Therese (Mom)

I was on my way to work this morning, stuck in traffic, when I found myself thinking about the renovation happening at my house.

We are almost nine months in, and I am tired. Tired of the dust, tired of waiting, tired of asking when someone is going to show up and do the work so we can finally be finished. I want my house back. I want to walk through the front door and not immediately notice what still needs to be done.

As I sat there staring at the brake lights in front of me, unable to make the traffic move any faster, I had this thought: I am at the mercy of someone else, and I don’t like it.

I was talking about my contractor, but I realized it was about so much more than that.

There have been many times in my life when control was taken out of my hands. Cancer was probably the biggest. Suddenly, doctors were making decisions about my body and my future. My days revolved around appointments, treatments and surgeries. I had to trust other people with my life because I didn’t have much of a choice.

I survived cancer twice, and I will never stop being grateful for that. But I also think experiences like that stay with you in ways you don’t always recognize. Maybe part of me has spent all these years wanting to hold a little tighter to the things I can control because I know what it feels like when you can’t.

Getting older has brought its own reminders that I’m not in charge of everything. Permanent alopecia is one of them. My body doesn’t always cooperate the way it once did, and my hair…well, let’s just say I save a lot of money on shampoo.

I can laugh about some of it, but there are other parts that are harder. I sometimes wonder whether my age affects how people see me professionally, even though inside I still feel like I have so much left to give. I still want to learn and work. I want to create things, try things that scare me a little, and discover parts of myself I haven’t met yet. I don’t feel finished. Not even close.

Maybe that’s why Mind Body Soul Renew has become so personal to me. It isn’t just the name of my website. In many ways, it represents what I’m trying to do with my own life.

I want to take care of my body instead of taking it for granted. I want to protect my mind from that little voice that tells me I’m too old, too late or not capable enough. And I want to take care of my soul by staying close to my faith, my family and the things that remind me why I’m here.

The truth is, I will never have complete control over my life. Cancer taught me that. Aging reminds me of it. And apparently, so does a nine-month home renovation.

But maybe I don’t need complete control.

The only one I truly want to surrender my life to is God, because He knows where I’m going even when I don’t. I’m learning that there is a difference between giving up and letting go. I can do my part. I can take care of myself, keep moving forward and continue becoming the woman I want to be. But I don’t have to know how every part of my story turns out.

My house will eventually be finished. My body will continue to change. Some doors will open for me and others won’t. And life will continue to surprise me, frustrate me, humble me and, hopefully, give me many more reasons to be grateful.

Maybe that’s what I’m finally beginning to understand. I don’t need to control everything around me. I just need to take care of the life I’ve been given—my mind, my body and my soul—and trust God with the rest.