Haylee (Daughter)

I knew that what happened to me, happened to me physically, and that there would be the obvious physical healing associated with it. What I didn’t consider, what no one warned me about, was the mental and psychological effects that would take place. 

I’ve always been the “happy” one – always smiling, always laughing, always just, simply happy. I had a friend in high school that used to refer to me as “Happy Haylee”, a name that I didn’t necessarily agree with, but she had a point. For the most part, I was always happy. For the most part, I am still always happy. This life we’ve been given is far too short to be and feel otherwise. At least, that’s how I’ve always viewed things. 

More often than I’d like to admit though, I find myself…well, not so happy.

I find myself easily frustrated, easily overwhelmed, riddled with anxiety, and, on occasion, flooded with sadness. Now maybe it’s your typical case of “Eldest Daughter Syndrome”, but I don’t like using the word depressed – not for myself anyways. I’ve had this expectation of myself, that things had to be a certain way, look a certain way, I had to act a certain way. Now no one ever necessarily placed those expectations directly upon me, but I found myself early on adhering to those “standards”. 

Fast forward to the last couple years, and I’m learning to undo that mentality. 

Unfortunately, I find myself back in a position where mentally, I don’t seem to have the amount of control as I used to, and that in and of itself is also frustrating. My perfectionist heart has had to come to terms with the fact that it really is ok to not have control and that I can extend myself some grace.

Logically, I know that God is in control of this entire situation. I know that what I’m experiencing is just a side effect of sepsis and now having Post Septic Syndrome. I know that what I’m feeling is partly due to the PTSD I now have from all the medical trauma. I know these things, I can speak on these things, but sometimes I forget all these things in the thick of it. 

All this to say, I’m learning to come to terms with the woman I am now. The reality is that I may never fully understand why this happened to me and my family, but that’s ok. I am alive, I have my husband and daughter, my family and friends. Most importantly, I have Jesus, and I know he will get us through this season and the next.