Choosing Joy Over Anger

Haylee (Daughter)

Since being back home, I’ve told my story countless times to countless people; recalling the events and feelings over the last couple months and anticipating the unknown of what comes next.

There are days when I feel like that’s all I ever talk about, which definitely has its ups and downs. Being able to talk about it freely has helped me process what happened, especially because I don’t really remember a lot of it, and a lot of what I do remember is skewed. I mean, I thought the ICU nurses were being sweet to me by allowing my daughter to come visit me on Mother’s Day, and while they were super sweet, I would later discover that they allowed me to see my daughter because I was actively dying. 

I think it’s safe to say that I have a decent amount of medical trauma. 

Because we are practically in the middle of nowhere, our options for healthcare facilities are extremely limited, and by limited, I mean there’s two options. Going to the doctor isn’t just a drive into town anymore. It’s more than that.

It’s anxiety. It’s fear. It’s anger. 

I am not done healing, and I won’t be for a while. I don’t have the luxury of going to another hospital/doctors office for my care, which means reliving a piece of that trauma over and over and over again.

However, when it comes to day-to-day moments, I don’t have time for those emotions. I don’t have time to be anxious, fearful, and angry.

Instead, I choose joy. 

I choose to see the beauty in life – in the mundane. I choose to savor the quiet moments in the morning before my daughter wakes, reminding myself how blessed I am to be sitting there with her. I choose to hold onto each and every moment, with her, with my husband, with my loved ones…because we never know when a moment will be our last.

There is a lot going on in the world – good and bad. Some days it can feel like it’s mostly bad. I’m not saying we should ignore those things, but I am saying that instead of dwelling on the latest news catastrophe or even the one that took place in my own life, I’m choosing to be thankful for everything that God has given me.