Therese (Mom)

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what it means to want something different while still being responsible for the life you already have. You wake up, go to work, take care of your family, and handle whatever needs your attention. From the outside, things may look much the same. But somewhere inside, you’ve started wondering what comes next.

I’m finding myself in that place. I love my family, and I’m grateful for the life we’ve built. I know how precious it is to be here to experience it. But I also have hopes for how I want to spend the years ahead. There are things I want to create, places I want to see, and parts of myself I want to give more attention to. Making room for those things feels complicated when my days already feel full.

For a long time, I thought change would come with a clear signal. Something would end, an opportunity would arrive, and I would know it was time to move forward. Sometimes that happens. Other times, the desire for change arrives long before the circumstances allow it. You begin to picture a different life while you’re still answering the same emails, meeting the same obligations, and wondering what to make for dinner.

Living in the Unfinished Parts

And then there’s the house. It is still under construction, there is still so much to be done, and we are on the brink of insanity. I wish I could say we’ve handled the whole process with patience and grace, but the truth is that we’re tired. Even when we aren’t working on the house, we’re still living around everything that isn’t finished.

I’m grateful we can make these improvements, and I’m looking forward to enjoying them. But right now, I would love to look around without mentally adding fifteen things to a to-do list. I want an ordinary evening at home where we can sit down, relax, and stop thinking about what needs to happen next.

The house has become a very literal version of how I’m feeling: ready for the next chapter while still surrounded by the unfinished parts of this one. I can picture where we’re headed, but there is a lot of work between here and there. Some days, I can appreciate the progress. Other days, all I can see is what’s left, and I have very little patience for another decision or delay.

Being Ready to Leave Without Being Able to Leave

Work is another place where I feel caught between what has been and what I wish could come next. After 26 years, I know how much I’ve given and how hard I’ve worked. I feel that I’ve done everything I can do there, and I would love the chance to move on. It’s difficult to keep showing up with the same energy when, in your heart, you know you’re ready for a change.

But being ready to leave and being able to leave are two very different things. I still need an income, and finding another job at this stage of life has been harder than I hoped. I have years of experience, I’m dependable, and I have a great deal to offer. Still, putting myself out there and wondering whether someone will give me a chance can wear on my confidence. Sometimes I worry that people will see my age before they see what I can bring.

The honest word for how I feel is trapped, and that’s hard to admit. I want to make a thoughtful decision about my future, but the choices feel limited. Some days, I’m hopeful that an opportunity will come along. Other days, it takes all my energy to get through the workday and come home to a house that is also waiting for more from me.

Between work and the renovation, there are very few places where I feel I can fully exhale. I don’t expect every part of life to be easy, but I’m ready for something to ease up.

And Then the Windshield Cracks

And just when you think you have it together enough to keep moving forward—bam. A rock hits your windshield, and now it’s cracked. One more thing to figure out. One more phone call, another possible expense, and something else that needs time and attention you were hoping to spend somewhere else.

I know a cracked windshield is manageable. But when the house is still under construction and work already leaves you feeling stuck, even a manageable problem can feel like too much. You look at that crack and think, “Can I please just have one thing stay taken care of?”

It’s the accumulation that wears me down. I can handle problems, and I have handled plenty. But I’m tired of always having something to handle. Sometimes I want to get in the car, drive where I need to go, and come home without adding another task to the list.

I’ll figure out the windshield, too. But before I do, I might need a minute to be frustrated. I’m trying to give myself that minute without feeling guilty for it.

Looking Back at Another Unfinished Chapter

Recently, I went back and read the last post I wrote during breast cancer treatment. It was October 24, 2014. I had already survived Hodgkin’s lymphoma in my twenties, and there I was, facing cancer again.

I think I stopped writing because it was getting too hard. I was tired of thinking about cancer, tired of living around treatments, and trying to believe I would reach the other side. Reading those words now brings me back to that uncertainty, but also to the love and support that surrounded me.

That includes the support I received at work. Those memories still matter to me. They are part of my story, just as my feelings about work today are part of it. Wanting to move on doesn’t erase the kindness I experienced during one of the hardest times of my life.

I want to share that last post here, just as I wrote it. It reflects my understanding and feelings at the time, including how I described my medical concerns.

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Friday, October 24, 2014

I Need to Focus on the Positive

Good Friday Morning to you all…

I have to admit, I haven’t been writing much lately because I am sick of thinking about having Cancer but I have to really start focusing on the positives and see myself crossing the finish line.

Treatments and recovery have gotten more difficult as time has progressed but that was to be expected. Having had Hodgkin’s in my twenties, chemo has weakened certain parts of my organs and they can’t take as much as they used to. My oncologist wants to have my heart checked again because I am showing signs of congestive heart failure. That freaked me out at first but after reading up on it, all it means is that my heart is working a little harder than it should. This explains why I’m tired all the time and have difficulty breathing at times.

I am so very thankful for my job and the support that they have given me. My boss (Msgr) gathered the entire staff and my husband and gave me an anointing. It was quite touching to have everyone there and pray together. I’ve also been told that Msgr mentions my name at all the Masses and that makes me very happy. You can’t beat the power of prayer.

Today is my beautiful sister Jeanne’s birthday. Happy Birthday Jeanne!!! Hope your day is wonderful. I wish I could share a glass (bottle) of wine with you but unfortunately the vino would not agree with me at this time but I plan on being around for a very long time so we will have many more birthdays to come.

My next treatment is scheduled for Wednesday, October 29 (#4) but that could change depending on whether or not I need to get the heart testing done before that. The first available appointment at the cardiologist is not until Nov. 6. I will keep you posted.

Until next time…keeping the faith and remembering I am truly blessed.

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Living the Future I Prayed For

What stays with me most is the part about my sister’s birthday. I wrote that I planned on being around for a very long time so we could have many more birthdays together. I couldn’t know what the next twelve years would hold. I just wanted the chance to live them.

And here I am.

I’ve had more time with my family, more ordinary days, more opportunities to create, and more life than the frightened woman writing that post could see ahead of her. I’m deeply grateful for that.

Sometimes, though, that gratitude makes it difficult to admit when I’m struggling. I hear myself asking, “After everything you’ve survived, shouldn’t you just be happy to be here?” I am happy to be here. I also get tired, worry about money, lose patience with construction, and feel discouraged about work. Those feelings are part of the life I’m thankful to have.

My circumstances today are different from what I was facing in 2014. But I recognize that longing to get through a difficult season and have room to breathe again. Reading my old words reminds me how often I’ve tried to encourage myself while I was still scared or exhausted. I can have compassion for that woman. I’m trying to extend some of it to myself today.

Making Room for What Comes Next

Writing, painting, and creating adventures for Blue, Nova, and Kershaw have given me something to look forward to in the middle of all this. I love taking a simple moment from their lives and imagining what it might become in a children’s story. I enjoy having an idea that belongs to me and giving it enough attention to become something I can share.

I hope those projects grow. I would love for them to reach more people. In the meantime, they give me moments when I’m absorbed in something I enjoy, and I need those moments. They remind me that I still have interests to explore and things I want to do.

My faith is part of this season, too. I pray for guidance, although I would certainly appreciate a little more detail sometimes. A clear answer and a reasonable timeline would be lovely. For now, I’m trying to pay attention to the next decision I can make, the conversation I need to have, or the opportunity I can explore.

I don’t have a neat ending because I’m still living this. The house needs work. I’m still figuring out my future at my job. And yes, the windshield needs attention.

But looking back at that post from 2014 reminds me that I have lived through uncertainty before without knowing how everything would turn out. I don’t have to pretend this season is easy to believe there may be good things ahead.

I’m ready for a new chapter. While I work toward it, I want to make room for some joy in this one, too—a little time to write, an evening with my family, a walk with the dogs. After all those years of hoping for more time, I want to give myself permission to enjoy it, even while some things remain unfinished.